G4 Emotions

In Step 6 we discussed the difference between running from sinful anger and running to the life God desires for us. This final chapter is devoted to the subject of “running to” God’s design. You will do most of the writing in this chapter. It is your life that is being stewarded for God’s glory. The goal is that you would find things that you could give yourself to more passionately than you once gave yourself to your anger. But not just temporal, slightly healthier things that would quickly become the next edition of ruling desires; and not things that you give yourself to in private so that they foster selfishness and excess. Rather, eternally significant things that you give yourself to in a community of faith to maintain endurance, temper desire mutation, and become an example to others. As you read through and answer these nine questions, remember God’s patience and timing. There will be some aspects of God’s design that you can engage in immediately. There will be ways you want to serve God th

Are you enjoying where you are? Even if you are not “there yet,” can you identify aspects of this part of your journey that make it significantly better than where you’ve been? Unless you can answer “yes” to this question and take delight in that answer, perseverance will be grueling. Striving without delighting is exhausting.One of the keys to persevering, especially with a struggle as recurrent as anger, is the ability to enjoy an imperfect, in-process life. God does not just delight in you at the culmination of your sanctification. God delights in you right now. He invites you to agree with him; where he has you in this process is good. This provides the emotional stability and security to persevere in your journey.With that as our starting point, let’s ask the question, “What does it look like to continue to follow God from here?” Chances are that you’ve put so much energy into getting “here” that it is not entirely clear how to prepare yourself for life after an intensive focus on change. What do yo

We are now squarely in the present tense. Admitting, acknowledging, understanding, repenting, and confessing were all focused on things we had done or experienced (past tense). Restructuring life was all about what we intend to do (future tense). In the first six steps we were protected from dynamic things like the pressures and nuances of daily life. To this point, we have scripted and rehearsed our social interactions but now we are leaving the scripts behind.In order to engage with implementation effectively, we must have our perspective on temptation transformed. There is a tendency to view temptation as failure. If our plan is merely to avoid or prevent temptation (irritating situations), then we will fail and think, “What’s the use?”  See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

As we get to the most “practical” part of the study, hopefully you are at a better place spiritually, relationally, emotionally, and in terms of self-understanding than you have ever been before (or at least in a long time). This foundation allows you to enact the plans you are about to make in a way you could not when you felt distant from God, isolated from people, emotionally frazzled, and your self-understanding was filled with lies and distortions. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

If we became active in Step 4, then we are going public in Step 5. Confession that is less public than the sin which prompted its necessity promotes short-lived change. Confession is when our new allegiance (from self to God) becomes public. Confession is to sanctification what baptism is to salvation – public evidence that a change has occurred and is impacting the core of our identity and how we relate to the world.Confession is often hard for someone who struggles with anger. Anger is about being strong. Confession feels weak and vulnerable. Anger is bold and in control. Confession is humble and patient. Anger intends to make certain things happen. Confession does not know what response it will get. You are being asked to buck this trend in ways that may be scary or unnatural, but that is what change is. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

This material is not another trip around the “try harder” merry-go-round!It is at Step 4 that you begin to experience the difference. Hopefully, you have a more complete understanding of your struggle with anger than you’ve ever had before. You probably have more ongoing Christian support than you’ve had in previous attempts to control your anger. But understanding, the absence of blame-shifting, community, and direction are not the source of change. God is.Change doesn’t involve white knuckles; it requires the empty hands and bent knees of humble repentance.In order to see the relevance of repentance you must see your sinful anger the way that Bible does – as an offense primarily against God. We don’t view most sins this way. We see that we hurt other people with our sin and assume that God is disappointed in us for failing to love our neighbor (i.e., wife, kids, co-workers, etc…). But we do not think we have sinned against God.Until we see this reality we will not realize that we have voluntarily unplugged

It is unfortunate that this step will likely not be as satisfying as we would like. We often fall into the trap of thinking that if we understand the “why” better, then the “what” will be easy, or at least easier. There are at least two realities that disrupt this seemingly sound logic.First, sin is not rational, so it refuses to play by our rules of logic. Sin is not a simple behavior that plays by single-variable motivations. Rather sin is a condition and a predator. Sin has its roots in our fallen human nature. Sin is aided and abetted by an enemy who desires our destruction (I Peter 5:8). This means that sin both has the home field advantage and is willing to cheat to win. This is why simple, temporary measures will never be sufficient.Second, our goal must be effectiveness-at-change rather than ease-of-change or our best intentions will lead us back into destructive anger. Satan is always willing to wait for a more opportune time (Luke 4:13) if its interests are not best served in a given moment. The mom

It is hard to admit how “off” we get when we are angry. One reason is because we often get angry for right reasons or legitimate causes. We must start Step 2 by admitting that a legitimate trigger is only the first test of righteous anger.Below are seven test questions for righteous anger taken from David Powlison’s article (bold text only) “Anger Part 1: Understanding Anger” from The Journal of Biblical Counseling (Fall 1995). The journaling tool provided in Step 3 will include these seven tests, but only use the words in parenthesis to reference each test. Your goal here is only to understand each test, so you can use them later to evaluate your anger.1.    Do you get angry about the right things? (Right Trigger)2.    Do you express anger in the right way? (Right Response)3.    How long does your anger last? (Duration)4.    How controlled is your anger? (Controlled)5.    What motivates your anger? (Motive)6.&

Do you hear yourself in any of these statements? I’m not angry! I’m just frustrated!But if you don’t stop asking “what’s wrong” I may get angry.Why can’t I have a bad day without it being a big deal?Your family was just perfect and didn’t do conflict, so that’s why you’re so sensitive.You knew I was this way when you married me. Am I not good enough for you anymore?So you’re saying I’m just a lazy idiot and you’re life would be better off without me.[Silence] Fine! I just won’t say anything if I’m so sensitive!How many times have I told you not to do that?! Are you stupid or just don’t care?!Oh, and I guess you never make a mistake.I’m sick of being the only one who ever says “I’m sorry”You’re not going to talk me like I’m a child. I left my parents house a long time ago.Get outta of my face. Get away from me. Shut up.You’re disgusting. You’re lucky I am willing to put up with youWe’re done! It’s over! I’m finished with you! You’re dead to me!Why do you make me talk to you this way? Do you think I enjoy

At the end of chapter 8 we began to discuss the question, “What am I living for?” That is an essential question in our grief journey. Unless we answer it, our past will remain brighter than our future, and we will be set up for despair. With a question like this, however, you will be doing most of the writing in this chapter.  The goal is that you would find things that you could engage as passionately as you engaged your loved one. This is not a form of replacement, but a necessity of enjoying life. Being passionate about something now does not in any way diminish your love for them then. In effect, you are unleashing more of what they loved in you. You can rightly imagine your loved one with God in heaven saying, “See, that is what I loved about then all along. Now they are getting more of an opportunity to impact the world with the gifts and passions You put in them. I love getting to watch them serve You in Your presence. It is glorious!” As you read through and answer the next nine questions, r

New and normal are words that do not belong together. But that is precisely what step eight is all about, establishing a new normal. For most of us, at this stage in our journey, we still do not want a new normal. The residual grief in our heart still longs for the old normal. If this conflict exists within you, do not let it pull you backwards on your journey. It is not hypocritical to pursue a new normal against your heart’s desire when reality insists that you must.Even if you are optimistic about this new normal, a new normal is scary. It is unknown. It is relatively permanent. It soon will be the part of your life that occurs without thought or reflection. The disruption of this new normal will be what triggers your next pilgrimage through grief. If you are intimidated by this step, do not let that convince you that you have not completed the prior steps adequately.The phrase “new normal” seems to imply more intentionality than it actually requires. You do not need a spreadsheet with seven columns and tw

Goals and grief can be hard concepts to mesh. We wish they got along better. We want to be able to say, “I have Saturday open so I plan to get half my grief out by journaling, looking at pictures, having an extended time of candid prayer, crying several times, and then updating my good-bye letter to capture the progress I’ve made during the day.” But thinking of goal setting as a time table or schedule, will become extremely frustrating and ineffective.Also, if we think of goal setting as “overcoming” grief, then we will have a sense of failure whenever grief returns around special occasions, triggered by a song or quote, or randomly interrupts our day. This is why we say we are identifying goals to “combat the impact of my suffering.” Grief is something we experience rather than conquer. Therefore, we will grow from it rather than eliminate it.We did not cause grief, so we cannot “uncause” it. Grief is not a character defect or sin, so we cannot “put off” grief. Grief is part of our story and because of that

There are two competing narratives for our grief: God’s and Satan’s. Every experience surrenders to an interpretation. Our interpretation of grief will influence how we understand past, present, and future events. It reinterprets the past when we think things like, “Maybe God is not who I thought he was. Maybe life does not operate the way I thought. If I had [blank] to do over again, I would do it differently.” It reinterprets the future as we apply what we learned (accurately or inaccurately) from our grief experience to make “wise” or “common sense” choices.As we enter into this chapter, however, we have to be careful to understand what we are seeking to accomplish. Challenging wrong interpretations of grief will not end grief or make it go away. In this case, right “answers” will not necessarily result in pleasant emotions of relief and joy. It will allow for a clean grief preventing your loss from becoming an entry point for foundational lies that change your identity, definition of safety, or sense of p

No matter how “clean” our interpretations or how pure our story, the sadness of grief will remain. It will hurt because someone precious is missing. Mourning (which has been happening before we named it as “step five” and will continue to happen through step nine) simply acknowledges that we will never “master grief” to the point that it does not hurt. Sometimes Christians can believe (or at least feel) as if any negative emotional experience is a lack of confidence in God or a violation of the command to rejoice always (Phil. 4:4). We know this is not true because the sinless Son of God wept at the death of his good friend Lazarus (John 11:35). In addition to Jesus’ example we have commands to weep with those who weep (Rom. 12:15).In this chapter we are going to examine the sadness of grief, the painful sense of unchanging absence. In this step, we are going to explore what it means to walk through this sadness (Psalm 23:4) rather than around or away from it. In many ways the first four chapters have prepare

At several points in the study you have probably begun to question God, doubt Him, be angry at Him, or wonder if what you think about Him really makes any difference. We’ve brought many painful pieces of grief to mind. When we look at it, we naturally ask, “Where does ‘the buck’ stop?” It stops with God (or whoever, whatever is in control… if anything is). It has been said that animals divide between herbivores (those eating plants) and carnivores (those eating meat), but the humans are verbivores – we live off of words, or, more accurately, off of the meaning we give to life through words. This is why we’ve emphasized the themes of story, journey, and identity so much. They are how we “digest” life.“No one is more influential in your life than you are, because no one talks to you more than you do. You are in an unending conversation with yourself. You are talking all the time, interpreting, organizing, and analyzing what’s going on inside you and around you (p. 56).” Paul Tripp in A Shelter in the Time of St

The most common way to “understand” grief is to think of it in terms of stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) developed from the research of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. While useful, stages miss much of the personal significance that is present in grief. Stages may prepare us for what is probable (which means not everyone will follow the same path), but they do not help “me” understand or process that pain of “my grief.”In this study we will focus more on story and journey than stages. These concepts are meant to capture more of the personal, messy, and non-sequential nature of grief. Grief changes the way we view life, interact with people, the meaning we attach to things, our levels of trust or security, and our sense of identity. When people or things that we love and rely on can be removed from our life, we can begin to question everything. This changes the way we commonly classify grief. Grief is more than an emotional struggle (like depression, anxiety, guilt, etc..). Grief cont

Too often we hear the word “denial” and we think it means simply the willful resistance to acknowledging an obvious fact. When you’re in the midst of denial, you wish it were that simple and overt. The question, “How do I live as if they are really gone?” is not a simple question. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Even though it is only the beginning of this study, thank you for getting this far. It is a testimony to your strength and courage that in the midst of your loss and pain you have not abandoned the search for hope. You may not feel strong or courageous at this point. In reality, you probably feel numb, weak, afraid, intimidated, or overwhelmed. But the mark of courage is not the absence of fear, but continuing on in the face of fear. That is what you are doing. It is commendable and good. We are praying for you and trust that God will bless this step of courageous faith with the hope and peace you desire.The fact that you are at this point is also a testimony to God’s faithfulness and presence. You feel like your loss and circumstances could crush you, and you are right. It is an interesting study to consider how the phrase “my strength” is used in the Psalms (18:1, 22:15, 28:7, 31:10, 32:4, 38:10, 59:9, 59:17, 71:9, 102:23, 118:14, 138:3). It is as if they alternate between cries of desperation and pronounce

If the law of God can be summarized in a positive command, then we must end this study talking about how to “run to” God rather than merely how to “run from” sin. Life is not about what we avoid, but what pursue. How we run to God’s design for our life finds a unique expression in each person’s life. For this reason, you will do most of the writing in this chapter. It is your life that is being stewarded for God’s glory.  The goal for this chapter is that you would find things that you could give yourself in a way that is more emotionally captivating than your depression-anxiety was. But not just temporal, slightly healthier things that would quickly become the next edition of ruling desires; and not things that you give yourself to in private so that they foster selfishness and excess. Rather, eternally significant things that you give yourself to in a community of faith to maintain endurance, temper desire-excess, and become an example to others. As you read through and answer these nine questions

Are you enjoying where you are? Even if you are not “there yet,” can you identify aspects of this part of your journey that make it significantly better than where you’ve been? Unless you can answer “yes” to this question and take delight in that answer, perseverance will be grueling. Striving without delighting is exhausting. One of the keys to persevering, especially with a struggle as recurrent as depression-anxiety, is the ability to enjoy an imperfect, in-process life. God does not just delight in you at the culmination of your sanctification. God delights in you right now. He invites you to agree with him; that where he has you in this process is good. This provides the emotional stability and security to engage a struggle like depression-anxiety. With that as our starting point, let’s ask the question, “What does it look like to continue to follow God from here?” Chances are that you’ve put so much energy into getting “here” that it is not entirely clear how to prepare yourself for life